Longing

“The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.” 
― Fernando Pessoa

Today, exactly a year ago, I was very very disappointed…

But let me start a few years earlier to paint a more detailed picture. Like I said in my previous post, I have always loved kids and I always knew that I want children of my own. However, the timing of said children was a bit of a problem. After getting married I had to do my two Internship years, a time filled with long work-days, many many after-hour calls and adapting to the emotional roller coaster of being a doctor. Then followed my Community Service year. I had more time, but I knew I wanted to specialize soon after, thus I kept busy with studying for my primaries and getting as much experience as possible. After that, my time as a Registrar in Pediatrics started with a bang! Four years that made Internship look like child’s play.

During this time most of my friends and even some of my colleagues started families of their own. I loved meeting the new bundles of joy and was really happy for the brand new moms. I relished sharing in their journey, but especially in the last few years it was always with a tinge of jealousy. I recall a number of times that I was in tears, ready to quit specializing and to just have a baby! It almost made it harder that I was standing in my own way… I was longing for a baby of my own, but I was also faithfully drinking my contraception daily! Isn’t it ironic…

I realized that longing for something you don’t have (yet) can make you very unhappy with your life. For all practical purposes I should have been very happy… I had a loving, amazing husband, good health, my dream-job. And yet I was only longing for a baby!

My loving, amazing husband sat me down and told me that I needed to decide. He would not stand in my way if I wanted to quit, he did not want to see me so unhappy. Around the same time I went through a very difficult situation at work, and this forced me to sit down and think things through. Spending time with God made it clear that I still needed to learn a few things! He knows the plans He has for me, and I knew that becoming a pediatrician was one of them. I could not back out now.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I learned to be grateful for what I have. To be content with who I am as a child of God, a wife and a doctor. This was hard, but the more I practiced it, the easier it became. It also helped that I had to write a major exam in my last year of studies (distraction does wonders for longing and impatience). 🙂

And yet, after learning all of these life lessons the hard way, I was still disappointed!

Fast forward to the 11th of December 2016. My husband and I was on holiday in the Eastern Cape. We have been trying for a few months to fall pregnant, and I was hoping to surprise him with the good news on the 12th for our wedding anniversary. But God had other plans, and I had to again remind myself that He knew best!  *

All the longing and waiting and learning was fully rewarded when the pregnancy test showed two stripes on the 13th of January 2017! My moment of disappointment turned into the date used to calculate our baby’s due date, and everything fell into place so perfectly, that I can only praise God for His perfect timing and plan.

So I want to encourage you… if you are longing for something, take heart. God knows what He is doing. He has plans to prosper you! Go through your time of waiting, learn the hard lessons and grow closer to Him in doing so, for the reward is sweet!

I pray that God will give you all the desires of your heart, in His time!

‘Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart!’ Psalm 37:4 

* I have to take a moment to say that waiting for a baby was hard for me, but it was my choice and we were blessed to fall pregnant within a few months of stopping the contraception. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it must be for couples who struggle with infertility. There were also some of my colleagues who had babies during their specialization time, and I salute them for that. This was a choice my husband and I made after a lot of prayer. We were both specializing at the same time and knew that we would have neglected something if we tried to do it all. This is just to share our journey, and I hope it can encourage someone to keep going, to learn from the hard times and to enjoy the good times!

** Photo’s taken at Chintsa beach, Eastern Cape, South Africa